the world feels so big and scarey.  i feel completely alone when i'm in a crowd or large group of people.  i have a handful of people who make those feelings go away for me and i'm so happy they're in my life.  especially saida.  still sometimes i can't decide if i hate myself or if i love myself.  and i get so afraid of being alone.  i've never truely been all alone since my parents have always been there but it seems like in the past four or five years, i've felt, with the occasional break, like i didn't have a single relationship that went beyond a casual friend.  i don't know what that's done for my social and mental development... it's probably been part of the reason why i've developed such a pessimisstic outlook on things.  i want to s ay that ultimately this is all a matter of mentality and i could just as easily see myself as a solitary independent and emotionally fortified individual.  but i second guess myself so much that it's so difficult to decide which is true.  maybe both have equal potential of being true. i don't know.  what i do know is that after going through all of this i'm finally starting to climb out of all my adolescent darkness and into a life that's self affirming and socially positive.  so much of it has to do with saida.  she's done so much for me and taught me so many things.  this whole post seems like it's a series of my scattered thoughts.  i don't really know.  i just want to type things out that have been in my head for a while.

i feel absolutely horrible...